My name is Zara Blake. I started learning about break ups many years ago when I went through a very traumatic break up myself. I wanted to understand what was behind the tragic grief I experienced. After learning – and analyzing – and investigating – and delving in, I began to understand and see break ups for what they really were. I knew break ups inside and out! I then started as a Community Leader and Advisor on the relationship break up boards at iVillage.
Not soon after, I started my own breaking up grief site.
Keeping up with my research I then began to understand the real pain of break ups, and how to cure that pain. I wrote my first book on the subject in the early 90’s. Afterwards, I became an expert on people and what makes them ‘tick’. This became a new book on how to Stop or Reverse a break up. Since then I have written on commitment phobia, and infidelity. Living through it all myself helped me to get even more valuable lessons and insights.
>WHY I STARTED BREAKUP RULES MISSION
I started the mission in hopes of stopping or preventing others from going through the terrible heartbreaking pain I had experienced. Being a very compassionate and empathetic person (overly so!) I cannot sit back and watch others hurt when I know I can help alleviate their pain. The support groups have all grown to where they are today – the most popular relationship support communities on the web!
> PREPARING FOR THE BREAK UP GRIEF
I truly believe your attitude is one of your most overlooked secrets to a full recovery. Attitude is simply a matter of choosing how you will respond to any given situation. Life is constantly asking questions of you, and your responses are all-important. By choosing to change your negative approach to the break up, and replacing it with a positive, healthy attitude about life, your suffering, the past, the future, and your new–yet to be experienced–relationships, you can actually control the quality of the peace and serenity that can be found in any break up or divorce. Breaking up only hurts when we try to not hurt. Be willing to accept the break up and be prepared to hurt: this preparation, alone, will help diminish the amount of pain you will go through.
Expect some of the following physical signs of breaking up:
Some physical symptoms of a break up:
- sweating or rapid pulse
- increased hand tremor
- insomnia
- nausea or vomiting
- physical agitation / irritability or easily excited
- anxiety / panic
- chills and sweating / clammy skin
- loss of appetite
- cramps and nausea
- feeling of jumpiness or nervousness
- feeling of shakiness
- emotional volatility, rapid emotional changes
- depression
- fatigue
- difficulty with thinking clearly
- sensation of feeling the heart beat (palpitations)
- headache
1. Denial and Isolation. At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our friends, family, co-workers, and social contacts. This stage may last anywhere from a few minutes to months, depending on each individuals grieving style.
2. Anger. After the reality sets in you might become very angry, even furious with your ex. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned or a man rejected. Most of us, too, will become angry with ourselves for letting the event take place, even to the point of blaming ourself for the entire break up. We inevitably go through the “if I only’s” and the “I should have or haven’t done this or that’s”… Anger is simply an emotion we have whenever we feel we have NO CONTROL over a certain situation.
3. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be ‘them’ calling, and when we discover it’s not them the emotional roller-coaster cycle begins all over again.
Acknowledge your grief over your break up. Breaking up is the hardest thing to do! But, denying your feelings is harder on the body and mind than going through them. Wallow in them if you want, wail out loud, punch your pillow, cry to your mother, write sad poems, let your heart mourn….it’s your grief and it’s very real. Allowing grief to surface is the only way to let it go. Without this difficult stage of the break up we could never move pass the loss. Don’t feel pressured to hide or deny your emotions, but to accept them for what they are… Breaking up hurts – and so do you!